Stages of Love

Do we go through, unbeknownst to us, stages of love? Many couples feel like after the initial fire burning passion that love just sort of fizzles out, and all we are left with is accepting that we can just be good friends.

Many people think we should “trade in” our spouse for a “new improved model.” Isn’t there anything in between those parameters we can enjoy together as a couple? Is it possible to reignite the fires of passion, or at least get a little bit of a campfire going?

Recently, I read a quote from C.S. Lewis:

“Suppose you were fortunate enough to ‘fall in love’ with and married your friend. And now suppose it possible that you were offered the choice of two futures: Either you two will cease to be lovers but remain forever joint seekers of the same God, the same beauty, the same truth or else, losing all that, you will retain as long as you live the raptures and ardours, all the wonder and the wild desire of Eros. Choose which you please.”

Which choice would you make?

In their book, Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of Your Life, Dennis and Barbara Rainey describe three love stages, or seasons of love:

“New Love is Easy: This season is characterized by an intense focus on each other, a strong mutual attraction, eager anticipation and enthusiasm for building a life together, and a great freedom…for expressing physical intimacy. New love is easy, delightful, and intense. It is intoxicating. It is living a dream.”

“Disappointed Love is Normal: …a gradual, growing realization that marriage isn’t what I had imagined. The second season of romance, disappointed love, awakens every newly married couple from their fairytale dream. And it will visit their marriage again and again in the years to come. Disappointed love, however, can be a healthy experience and a necessary ingredient in the making of a great marriage.”

“Cherishing Committed Love: Commitment in marriage is like the growing root system of an oak tree. Yes, there are roots in every new little tree, just as there is often a heartfelt commitment in new marriages, but it takes time for roots to grow deep. Likewise, it takes time for commitment to grow deep and strong. Far too many couples uproot their love in the early stages of growth and, as a result, never have the privilege of experiencing the majesty of a mature forest of long-term love.”

So, does that mean couples have to give up the passion and desire as they age for some deeper fulfillment yet to be realized? The Rainey’s say no: “Keep in mind that while commitment provides the context of stability every marriage needs for intimacy to grow…a marriage also needs passion.”

It’s important that we understand that all couples go through stages of love. If both partners can get on the same page, it’s less likely that one of them will leave the relationship because of unrealistic expectations – leaving a train wreck in their wake. However, if both stay beyond the disappointment stage, they might be able to enjoy the yield that comes from years of committed love. I think that’s why it’s called “a labor of love.”

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