Why Most Marriages Fail: A Perspective from Marriage Fitness

Just what is “Marriage Fitness?” We’ll get to that in a moment. First, let’s look at the state of marriage fitness in this country right now. Marriage experts tell us about half of all marriages fail. That’s a pretty poor prognosis. But why is that? It is crucial that we understand why, so that we might not fall into that predicament ourselves.

The answers to why most marriages fail are not all that earth shattering, but avoiding them is the hard part. The usual “suspects:” poor communication, financial concerns, poor circumstances surrounding the marriage are mentioned most frequently as the downfall of most marriages. Let’s take a look at those problems, and then look at an unusual alternative in addressing them.

Communication is typically at the top of the list as to why most marriages fail. Good communication skills are listed as one of the most desirable skills for most job applicants. This is even more so for husbands and wives. If couples can’t resolve conflicts, arguments, and be able to see things from the other’s point of view, the marriage is in trouble. In fact, if the marriage is already in trouble, this area may be the death nail for many couples.

Learning how to put yourself in another person’s shoes is fundamental to developing good communication skills, and to resolving conflicts. But, couples should not just talk about their problems, they also need to talk about their goals, their dreams, and hopes for the future. Whenever Laura and I can talk about our future in positive terms it really does help us to feel closer to each other – especially if we check in regularly and can see that we are making progress.

If poor communication skills can be the “death nail” for marriages in trouble, then financial concerns can be “the Grim Reaper” for why most marriages fail. Money problems have a way to choke the life out of many marriages. When couples fail in this area, it has such long term consequences to their relationship. What can be most difficult is when both parties can’t agree on how to approach their financial problems, and how to set their financial goals. This can create an incredible amount of pressure and stress in the marriage, which can obliterate an otherwise happy union.

Financial struggles have also been a struggle for us, but they have not been able to steal the joy out of our lives because we will not let them. Set measurable goals and keep track. Get help fast if you can’t seem to work it out.

Sometimes couples marry for all the wrong reasons, even though they may seem “right” at the time. Maybe there was an unplanned pregnancy with a subsequent shotgun wedding. Or maybe the family was putting pressure on the couple to get married. There can be an unspoken social pressure on couples to “tie the knot.”

Many times couples are just too young and inexperienced to get married. It is not a matter of chronological age, but one of emotional and intellectual maturity. Never the less, many couples feel it’s the right thing to do if they “feel in love.” None of these are good reasons to get married. If there is not a committed love that exists between the couple, the marriage is likely destined to fail.

So what can be done to counter the reasons why most marriages fail? Where can couples get the marriage help they need? Many professionals insist on focusing on the problems and dealing with them one at a time, head on. However, there are also many couples who have found that this approach has not helped them. They have gone to marriage counseling, focused on improving communication skills, addressing financial problems, and have gained an understanding of the origins of their marriage (be they ideal or not), but their marriage has not improved.

Why not try another approach that we have found to be effective. Instead of focusing on the problems in the relationship, why not focus on the positives in the relationship and build on those. Sometimes we just need to step back and to get away from the problems and gain a fresh perspective. This in turn may actually help us to come back and deal with things more effectively. It may not solve our problems, but it might help to ease the frustration and give us an alternate point of view.

Mort Fertel, marriage coach, and author of “Marriage Fitness” promotes this idea of couples setting their problems aside and connecting with each other. Instead of dwelling on what is wrong in your marriage, Fertel teaches that focusing on building each other up by taking positive actions will not only draw you closer together, but often can help you work through the problems more effectively. Laura and I both encourage you to make a positive step now towards making your own marriage fitness. Check out Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness and start working today on building a strong, healthy marriage.

Tweet This Post